A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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