Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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