i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
