I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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