You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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