i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
