I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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