last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
