Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
now i know why i became what i already was.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
