I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
