it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i out mim tonsoeep
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