Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
