apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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