He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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