great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
