my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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