Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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