i don't plan on having that self control this summer
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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