i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
