I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
