Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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