Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
