everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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