Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
