I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I want to fling myself into the sun
and you fell through a lawn chair
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
