Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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