seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I am naked and annoyed.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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