No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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