so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
