maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
