dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
