I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
