just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
