I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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