How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
