I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
