There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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