shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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