This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
