My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
