Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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