don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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