my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
