I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
