I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
