A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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