so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
