Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
