You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
they're like a gay fantastic four
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
