just come out here and I will go home with you...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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