shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
