I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
